OMNIVORE

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Shroom Man 777
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OMNIVORE

Post by Shroom Man 777 »

OMNIVORE

Real Name: Fat Clarence

Origins:
Carlyle Clarence was, to put it bluntly, a fatso. He was the son of a fatso and the grandson of a fatso. If he had bothered to get off his ass and document his family tree, he would’ve discovered that his whole family line was composed of fatsos. To this day, Carlyle Clarence’s exact mass is a matter of debate, but it is a known and established fact that during his funeral, his pallbearers had to be assisted by a superstrong meta and a fellow in a powerlifter rig.

Despite dying at a tragically young age, Carlyle nonetheless lived a full life. He got married at a right age after finding a nice young girl who had a great girth comparable to his. He also fathered a son. Now Mister and Missis Carlyle Clarence were both fatsos, and they weren’t the keenest in the brain department, so being the happily wedded couple of fatsos they were, they decided to name the fruit of their loins Fat – as in Fat Clarence.

Now, before you ask “what in tarnation where they thinking naming their kid ‘Fat’?”, it’d help to say that their decision was a might influenced by the fact that their newborn boy was so fat that Missis Carlyle had to be C-sectioned. Now, being the whale of a woman that she was, her C-sectioning naturally entailed the use of a chainsaw – or so Mister Carlyle liked to tell his drinking buddies before his untimely demise.

After the trauma of Fat’s birth, Missis Carlyle swore never again to spawn another from her loins, and Mister Carlyle solemnly agreed. So, naturally, they doted over their only child in a way that only a happily married pair of morbidly obese fatsos could. Already a big baby boy, Fat kept on growing and growing and growing until he became nothing short of humungous, a sort of faced blob with arms and legs sticking out of odd corners. Mister and Missis Carlyle were so proud, that is, until Mister Carlyle died due to some ghastly complications wherein the paramedics had to call for a bulldozer to carry his dearly departed form. Of course, the bulldozer would’ve wrecked the Clarence residence, so eventually that was called off, and the paramedics settled with having Definativeguy haul the dearly departed Mister Carlyle off to the hospital. ‘Course, upon seeing the dearly departed Mister Carlyle, all the astonished Definativeguy could say was “Damn!”

Alone now, Missis Carlyle nonetheless continued loving her son and caring for him. Fat was her special baby boy, and she took solace in nurturing his mass of perpetually hungry bulk – sort of like how a gardener takes solace in cultivating a turnip and watching it grow for years on end, until said turnip was seven years old and more than five hundred pounds in weight.

The manner of how Fat consumed his food during that period remains to this day a great mystery, and how on Earth his mother acquired such tonnages of consumable material is a question that is still unanswered.

Now, Fat was such a special baby boy that, eventually, people started noticing him. Concerned citizens contacted the childcare authorities and eventually, they appropriated custody of Fat from his mother, on the grounds that she was murdering her only begotten so by feeding him to death, one shovelful at a time.

It was a cold and snowy day when mother and son were parted. Fat, despite having his wits dulled severely by his malnourishment (for there are many kinds of malnourishment, such as the kind anorexics do upon themselves, and the kind superslugmen like Morbos are guilty of), realized what was happened and tearfully waved his mommy goodbye. In the hardships of the aftermath, alone and grotesquely fat and unloved, Missis Carlyle killed herself by consuming the entire contents of a tub full of beans.

Fat Clarence was handed over to his new custodians, concerned and well-to-do citizens who happened to be health enthusiasts. In a horrible twist, Fat was subjected to a gruesome ordeal of consuming decreasing amounts of healthy foods. They forced him to walk, to roll, to jiggle, humiliating him with exercise. He missed his mommy dearly, but no, instead, they sent him to school – for the first time ever. Confronted with such a stark change in reality, dimwitted Clarence could not handle being teased and mocked for his bulk, his mean classmates calling him horrible names like “Fat-Fat”!

Each day was a frightful and tearful ordeal, and because of that, Fat continued to eat and eat and eat until, despite the healthsome foods available to him, he further ballooned in size. His foster parents frowned at this. Once when jogging with his foster mother, the ice-cream man parked his van on the other side of the road while playing his ice cream music. Fat saw this, saw it hard, and he practically ran for the ice-cream fan. His foster mom screamed, and the ice cream man saw the rampaging Fat coming at him. He decided to make a run for it, vamoosing away, and he nearly got away with it too.

But Fat wouldn’t let up. At first, he tackled children and stole their ice pops, and then he went and ran for the ice cream man van. Sweating all over like a pig squished into a microwave oven, Fat leapt and got on the back of the van, the massive addition of his weight utterly destroying the suspension system of the vehicle. Immobilized, the ice cream man could only watch as Fat stuck his head into the window and gobbled up all the frozen sweet treats, much to everyone’s dismay. His mother screamed and shouted and wailed and cried and begged, and eventually, the whole community dragged Fat out of the van, prying him out with crowbars, despite his incessant screaming and kicking and flailing. He fell to the ground, soaked in ice cream, crying and bawling. He saw a pile of dogshit and, mistaking it for chocolate ice cream, he reached for it, scooped it in his hands, and ate it. He cried.

They sent Fat to the doctor and they eventually found out what was wrong with him. Aside from several severe hormonal disorders, he also had a dysfunction of the brain, a dysfunction that made him compulsively eat anything and everything. The doctors proposed a radical solution: by implanting a chip in his brain, they could negate the dysfunction and regulate him in a moderate manner. Unbeknownst to Fat, his foster parents agreed. They drugged him, and while he slept, they opened the back of his skull and quietly placed the microchip.

From then on then, Fat didn’t really fully realize what happened, since he was an idiot. But something was different, and he knew that. He still ate, but he didn’t eat as much. He didn’t continue ballooning, but he stayed just the same, so any worries of him growing and growing until he exploded and killed everyone around him in an epic detonation of fat and stomach contents…right.

Fat went to school, like any other normal kid who weighed nearly a ton. He barely fit the classrooms and, one time, he nearly caused the floor to collapse. Everyone made fun of him and threw things at him (sometimes, he ate the projectiles), and that made him really sad and angry and hungry. He was an idiot, and he knew that – his classmates were all years younger than him, ‘cause he was too stupid to pass the exams, so he was left behind.

It wouldn’t be like this forever, though. As Fat brooded, he knew there would come a time when whatever it was inside him that messed him up would go away, and he would go back eating all the delicious foods he wanted, and then he’d show them all, he’d show them all so hard. They’d rue the day they messed with him, they’d rue it hard.

The day came. It was a field trip, he and his class of little shits were going to this science exhibit. A scientist named Timmy Proton had somehow digitally uplifted several cute furry animals, namely koala bears, rabbits, and penguins – a process that warped the animals into computer generated-looking smart-alecky talking koalas, rabbits and penguins!

The children were allowed to interact with the CG-animals, but the three-dee trio immediately turned their attention to Fat. He was humungous, the biggest and fattest human they’d ever seen. The smart-aleck CG-koala began making fun of Fat, with his cool and ‘hip’ voice. The rabbit and the cute baby penguin joined in, making fun of Fat, taunting him with their cute CG-animal asses, making witty cool zany jokes and lame-as-shit pop-culture references, which everyone just ate up. Everyone started laughing, the students, the staff, the scientists, the teachers, the security guards, the robots, everyone including Fat. Fat laughed too, in fact, he laughed the hardest. He laughed so hard that his microchip got scrambled and malfunctioned.

Fat literally blew a circuit, and the first thing he did was to grab that little shit classmate of his and bitchslap him. Hard. The little shit ended up biting off his own tongue.

Then Fat, in fury, broke into the CG-animals’ enclosure. First, it was the penguin, he grabbed the undulating little flippered birdshit and literally unhinged his jaws to swallow the shrieking tap-dancing heart-singing little fuck, swallowing him hole. The little fucker tap-danced his way into Fat’s stomach, screaming as the powerful digestive acids melted him to the bone. Fat laughed and burped and vomited the penguin out after a while, his sizzling skull and popping eyeballs plainly visible for everyone to see. Not so computer-generated now, eh? The rabbit and the koala freaked, and the rabbit tried to hop away. Hah, no way. Fat opened his mouth wide and his tongue lashed out, extending like a snake, wrapping around the rabbit. In one swift motion, the rabbit was whipped back into Fat’s mouth, and Fat ended up chewing the little bitch up like some crunchy chew-toy. It tasted like crap, since rabbits like eating their own shit, and Fat spat it out.

Oh how the penguin and the rabbit begged and pissed themselves before Fat hogged them all down.

The koala was on the run now. Usually koalas are lazy fuckers, sleeping all day and eating eucalyptus shit plants all night, but now the little fucker was running for his life. Fat was laughing as he chased down the koala. Fat was all like, fee-fi-fo-fum! The whole place was a wreck and everyone was screaming and running and flailing about. It probably didn’t help that all the commotion attracted a horde of Weird fishmen, fishmen driven out from the sewers ‘cause they lost the three-way Morlock-fishmen-hobo gang battles in the underground abandoned subways.

The koala was crying and whimpering and blubbering like a vagina, it climbed up a eucalyptus tree and curled up, waiting to die. Oh, and how Fat relished the moment as he approached the crying koala. He saw the koala in all its computer-generated industrial digital light and magic, but he also saw his foster parents and all the healthy food they forced him to eat, he saw that piece of dog turd he accidentally mistook for ice cream, he saw everyone who laughed at him and called him fat. He heard them laughing at him. His elongated tongue slid out of his gaping maw-of-a-mouth, and it wrapped its wet coils around the koala, who was by now grabbing on to leaves and branches for dear life. To no avail, as Fat dragged the koala down kicking and screaming, using only his tongue. And then, the koala was in his mouth, begging and pleading and blubbering like a bitch, like a pussy! Fat closed his mouth and –

Suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, the hero known as the Inedible Lad leapt to the rescue. Securing himself on a winch-cable, he jumped into Fat’s opened mouth and grabbed the koala’s hands.

”Whatever you do, don’t look down!” Inedible Lad shouted to the koala, who had by now pissed and defecated his pants.

Fat tried to swallow the koala, it was already in his throat, but Inedible Lad wouldn’t let go, ever. It was like that for half an hour, a brutal struggle, a tug of war deciding the fate of the world. Finally, Fat surrendered. The koala had clogged up his windpipe and Fat was tired, cause he was a lazy son of a bitch, and he just collapsed right there like a pussy. He collapsed and fainted, and Inedible Lad emerged victorious, holding up the CG-koala for all to see.

Fat was eventually institutionalized. The CG-koala would end up dying of coprophagia – suicide by eating your own shit. Professor Timmy Proton, the one who originally uplifted the animals into their digitized state, killed himself by gouging out his eyeballs and slitting his wrists.

Current Status: There was a break in Fat’s asylum. Some supervillain got institutionalized ‘cause he was apparently criminally insane and didn’t deserve to be death-sentenced, so he and his buddies broke out. Fat broke out as well, wandering around the streets and swallowing the entire contents of garbage cans. He was eventually spotted by a drunk Toolverine, who hauled Fat’s fatass to Big Fatso – thinking it was Morbos. Big Fatso wasn’t stupid, since he wasn’t Toolverine, but decided to hire Fat anyway. Given a ridiculously dumb costume, Fat now calls himself OMNIVORE and does Big Fatso’s bidding – namely attacking rival fast food restaurants and consuming all their foods, thereby bankrupting them. Recently, Big Fatso is getting weary of Fat, since he’s afraid Fat will eat all of his own food and not just his enemies’.

Powers and Abilities:
Fat has a severe mental disorder that makes him compulsively eats anything and everything he views as edible. Moreover, Fat is actually a metahuman – he has the power of elasticity, but since he’s a lazy fuck, he only actively extends his tongue (to use it to lash out and grab things he’s too lazy to reach with his hands). His elasticity allows him to consume vast amounts of material (his body can expand rather than explode), and his stomach acids allow that material to be broken down surprisingly quick - as of late, he can digest even plastics.

He also has several cavities in his chin-flabs, allowing him to store things for later consumption. Big Fatso’s goons have used this feature to hide illicit materials from the police, they use bags made of tofu, ‘cause Fat will never eat tofu ever again.

His elasticity also allows him to seemingly unhinge and dislocate his jaw.

Weaknesses:
Despite being able to eat very large things, he can still suffocate if things get clogged in his throat. This happens a lot when he tries to swallow things larger than himself.

Also, whenever he takes a shit, the material released is often of astounding proportions. And there’s no telling where Fat will do it.

Relations:
Fat has no friends, everyone hates him.
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"Sometimes Shroomy I wonder if your imagination actually counts as some sort of war crime." - FROD
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Malchus
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Re: OMNIVORE

Post by Malchus »

Heh heh, looks like O1 Comix has now regianed part of it's original weight. Okay, I know, that was a lame joke. :P :lol:

And, as in the original article, my favorite part has to be the pisstake on all those cute CGI animal movies. All we need now is for Invictus to repost his Inedible Lad article.
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Magister Militum
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Re: OMNIVORE

Post by Magister Militum »

How utterly bizarre, and yet hillarious at the same time.
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Ford Prefect
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Re: OMNIVORE

Post by Ford Prefect »

Everything about this story is so terribly, terribly wrong. :mrgreen:
FEEL THESE GUNS ARCHWIND THESE ARE THE GUNS OF THE FLESHY MESSIAH THE TOOLS OF CREATION AND DESTRUCTION THAT WILL ENACT THE LAW OF MAN ACROSS THE UNIVERSE
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Shroom Man 777
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Re: OMNIVORE

Post by Shroom Man 777 »

I read in Micheal Crichton's Congo that quite a few of those apes bred and trained in captivity to do tests and all ended up depressed and suicidal. A couple killed themselves by eating their own shit.

As always, my articles have a scientific basis :)
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Peregrin
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Re: OMNIVORE

Post by Peregrin »

Shroom Man 777 wrote:I read in Micheal Crichton's Congo that quite a few of those apes bred and trained in captivity to do tests and all ended up depressed and suicidal. A couple killed themselves by eating their own shit.

As always, my articles have a scientific basis :)
Isn't that book considered one of Crichton's worse? :P
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Shroom Man 777
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Re: OMNIVORE

Post by Shroom Man 777 »

Peregrin wrote:Isn't that book considered one of Crichton's worse? :P
It had deformagrotesquetitrositudificated gorillias (or ape-man hybrids) beating the everliving shit and killing the fuck out of people in The Mines of King Solomon.

Shut up :P
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Re: OMNIVORE

Post by Peregrin »

... says someone who gave Resident Evil: Apocalypse a positive review that wasn't sarcastic. ;)

Wait a second, I did the same thing to 30 Days of Night. :|
"You could not step twice into the same river; for other waters are ever flowing on to you." - Heraclitus
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