Kamin wrote:Secondly, I'm taking a more narrative, character-centric approach, as opposed to bland recountings of events and so forth. Most named historical personages are real, none of the time travellers are, to the best of my knowledge.
Well a worthy attempt, unfortunately most of the characters who feature in this story barely appear at all and do so only to give an account of those events. Your modern history student is the only one who seems to have much of a character, the others simply do not do enough to establish one, they essentially enter the situation and think 'this is good', 'this is bad' or 'this is weird'. The history student, Jurgen, gets enough character development to miss the 20th century and to think that it's hopeless to try to save the integrity of the timeline (by the way you could do a bit more to explain that, something like 'it was pointless trying to avoid changing history, one hundred tons of airborne steel had already done that') and to be worried by what might happen. Still, that's not much, maybe flesh him out a bit more with more scenes with him on his own or have him interact more braodly with one of the other characters and you can both get a better handle on his character and a better exploration of the effects of the time travel.
Also why does he have the entire wikipedia database on his computer? How does having a chronological list of Family Guy episodes help one write a thesis on the Austro-Hungarian Empire?
Thirdly, I have no intentions to focus this around Imperial Germany (although it will play a part).
Instead it focuses on Imperial Austria! Partial credit.
"Little monuments may be completed by their first architects, but great ones; true ones leave their copestones to posterity. God keep me from completing anything."
Kamin wrote:Secondly, I'm taking a more narrative, character-centric approach, as opposed to bland recountings of events and so forth. Most named historical personages are real, none of the time travellers are, to the best of my knowledge.
Well a worthy attempt, unfortunately most of the characters who feature in this story barely appear at all and do so only to give an account of those events. Your modern history student is the only one who seems to have much of a character, the others simply do not do enough to establish one, they essentially enter the situation and think 'this is good', 'this is bad' or 'this is weird'. The history student, Jurgen, gets enough character development to miss the 20th century and to think that it's hopeless to try to save the integrity of the timeline (by the way you could do a bit more to explain that, something like 'it was pointless trying to avoid changing history, one hundred tons of airborne steel had already done that') and to be worried by what might happen. Still, that's not much, maybe flesh him out a bit more with more scenes with him on his own or have him interact more braodly with one of the other characters and you can both get a better handle on his character and a better exploration of the effects of the time travel.
Well, unfortunately the format I wrote it in left little room for character development, however the next updates will both be longer and have more development in them, I promise.
Also why does he have the entire wikipedia database on his computer? How does having a chronological list of Family Guy episodes help one write a thesis on the Austro-Hungarian Empire?
It's for quick referencing and looking for more advanced souurces. Plus it helps him pass the time without internet.
Thirdly, I have no intentions to focus this around Imperial Germany (although it will play a part).
Instead it focuses on Imperial Austria! Partial credit.
Well, not entirely (as is my plan)...
You have ruled this galaxy for ten thousand years.
You have little of account to show for your efforts.
Order. Unity. Obedience.
We taught the galaxy these things.
Constantinople never slept. At all hours, at least some of the countless millions that dwelt within were working or entertaining themselves. Let us first take a look at the Old Quarter by the Bosphorus, the place of Hagia Sophia and so many monuments to Imperial grandeur, so many glorious constructions. Before the venerable cathedral of Hagia Sophia, lay the Imperial Concourse, a grand boulevard headed due west and then straight north-west to the suburb of Blachernae and the Magnaura Palace that stood there. The Magnaura had undergone many refurbishments and was now a mix of Baroque and Neo-Classical styles built of white marble. It was the residence of the Basileus and his family, and no palace in all of Europe surpassed it in grandeur.
East of the Old City, across the Bosphorus, were the industrial suburbs of Uskudar, the factories working day and night. Several railway bridges and ferries connected Uskudar to the main city, particularly to the docks north of the Old Quarter, where ships headed from the Suez Canal, from Sevastapol in Rhomanion's north, from a thousand cities across Europe and Asia and Africa and America, arrived night and day. To the west of the Old Quarter and the docks, lay the New City, a massive swathe of apartment-blocks and factories. It was where the urban poor lived, but was heavily serviced by railways and had the city's Skyport.
To the north-west of the New City lay the suburb of Blachernae, where the organs of government - the Premier and his Cabinet, the Basileus, the Senate, the Ministries - were located. Rhomanion's boundaries encompassed a wide area - including the Ukraine in the north, Bosnia in the North-West, Mesopotamia in the East and Georgia to the North-East, Ethiopia in the South - and such a massive territorium had to include a large amount of administration. As a result, the bureaucracy of Rhomanion had a large holding in Constantinople.
But that is not central to our tale.
Premier Eleutherios Doukakis looked at the message in his office. Apparently the heir to the Prussian Reich had been assassinated in the South German Federation, and Prussia was threatening war. Now that worried him. Prussia, Muscovy and Hungary were allied, and Persia might jump into the war as well, if it happened. Rhomanion was allied to France and Britain, as well as South Italy - the South Germans were a weak state, and could not afford a war. The situation was grim - Eleutherios was reminded of Romulus Augustus, last Emperor in the West, looking out from Ravenna, seeing the world descending into chaos.
He sent a telegram to the Basileus, Alexandros VI. It was a summary of the situation, and a request to mobilise the military. He hoped only that things did not come to war.
===
Karl Adlerssohn looked at the men of his unit. The Romans had sent a warning to the Kaiser, warning him not to invade South Germany. That was immaterial, what was important was vengeance for Prince Franz. He looked at the Walkers - large walking machines fuelled by Kerosene, a thick oily smell around them. Machine-guns were built into their wrists, and Tesla projectors mounted on their backs. They carried field guns as well in their hands.
Ahead of them was a mighty Sturmlandkreuzer, a gigantic armoured vehicle the size of a battleship, covered in guns and Tesla-connons. It moved on gigantic armoured tracks - no legs could support its immense weight and bulk. Nothing but another such vehicle could stand against it. Above were thousands of Skycraft - Zeppelins mostly, but other craft, Airfighters, Luftkreuzers.
He could pass on the order to cross the border, to strike at South German territory. He wanted to be the first to do so.
'Advance,' he ordered from his Command Walker.
The men did so.
You have ruled this galaxy for ten thousand years.
You have little of account to show for your efforts.
Order. Unity. Obedience.
We taught the galaxy these things.
Sorry, this does not look terribly good, I would advise going back to something else or seriously revising this one, or just take some notes on the problems herein.
First off; You know how I have ribbed on you for your glorious overuse of the word 'glory' and its glorivatives before now? Well I think that I can finally explain myself properly. In this opening paragraph you describe the Byzantine architecture thusly
so many monuments to Imperial grandeur, so many glorious constructions... and no palace in all of Europe surpassed it in grandeur.
But you do very little to describe the buildings themselves other than describing what they are for, mentioning that the palace is part art-deco and part classical and saying something about a 'grand boulevard'. It's annoying to read these assertions without any other descriptors of the things which I am supposed to be marvelling at to give me any kind of impression of what is so Zarking glorious about them.
Second:
But that is not central to our tale.
You have actually written more in describing Constantinople to lay the scene than you have in telling the story itself. This wouldn't necessarily be bad, just a matter of taste, but for the problems I have just mentioned above, your description of Constantinople is pretty bare bones, and pointing out the glorious gloricity of the place does not change that.
Third: Remember how I, and various others, keep talking to you about character development? Well there is none of that here, you have character A: Who doesn't want war, and Character B: Who wants vengeance for something or other, that is literally it, these are barely characters at all they are just motivations.
Fourth: Please stop using this as a way of ending a scene,
'Advance,' he ordered from his Command Walker.
The men did so.
For some writers it works to end a scene on a very very simple note, for you it seems not to, I'm not sure what the distinction is, but it looks as if you can't think of anything more fitting to end on.
"Little monuments may be completed by their first architects, but great ones; true ones leave their copestones to posterity. God keep me from completing anything."
It is a time of Renaissance. The Empire of the West fell in 476, the year is now 1476, a thousand years later. Byzantium clings on to Greece and Anatolia barely, and in most of Europe feudalism dominates. However, it will soon be challenged. Discoveries are being made of old knowledge, and a new learning is developing in Europe. What happens next, is up to you.
Rules:
1. Don't godmod. That was what killed O1 World, and I don't want to see it happen again.
2. ABSOLUTELY NO TECHNOLOGY that would be out of place in the real late 15th Century. This also means no magic, etc. since that was also what killed O1 World. Please also don't ignore the various realities of the time.
3. Due to this game being set far in the past, 1 real-life month = 1 in-game decade. UNREAL TIME is allowed, to allow for resolutions to storylines and so forth.
What your nation should look like:
Name:The Name of your Nation/State/Tribe Alternative names: Aka's Government Type: Obvious. Please be sensible. Head of State: Where does the buck stop? Head of Government: Who actually runs the show? Legislature:
- The Group of Elite that have the biggest say
- How many of them there are Judicial: Who watches the Watchmen? Population: Crucial , how many people are there in your country? Upper Class: The percentage of the Elite Middle Class: The percentage of the middling sorts Lower Class: The percentage of commoners. Should be the vast majority Unemployed: Who doesnt work?
Intelligence Service: Who does your spying? (For most , this will be N/A)
- Who?
- How many? Police: Is there any kind of law enforcers? (Again , N/A for most) Capital: Self explanitory Major Cities: Ditto National Language:What is the universal tounge? Religion: What do people believe in? Currency: What do people exchange? Barter? Major Industries: Name a few National Resources: Name at least 5 trade goods Internal Problems: Everyone has them , name at least 3 here please. Dont make me have to create them for you
Army: Varies state to state. Get advice if you are unsure.
Navy:Same as Army
National Anthem: Do you have a national song?
My nation if this gets off the ground:
Name: Empire of Velikorussia Alternative names: Great Russia, Russia, Muscovy Government Type: Empire Head of State: The Czar - currently Vasiliy IV Romanov Head of Government: Vasiliy IV Romanov Legislature:
The Council
75 Judicial: The Court of Russia Population: 12,500,000 Upper Class: 15% Middle Class: 10% Lower Class: 75% Unemployed: Nobody! (Only good thing about the feudal system)
Intelligence Service: N/A Police: Is there any kind of law enforcers? N/A Capital: Moscow Major Cities: Kiev, Novgorod National Language: Russian Religion: Eastern Orthodoxy Currency: Rouble Major Industries: Weapons, shipbuilding, lumber National Resources: Lumber, iron, Internal Problems: Discontent in the lower classes, nobles planning to replace the Czar, urbanisation
Army: Standing army 15,000, various private and noble armies 5,000
Navy: 76 ships, most large
National Anthem: No
Map we're using (the gold area is my nation):
europe_base_map_uber_-_with_rivers_.png (93.58 KiB) Viewed 14870 times
You have ruled this galaxy for ten thousand years.
You have little of account to show for your efforts.
Order. Unity. Obedience.
We taught the galaxy these things.
1.Don't godmod. That was what killed O1 World, and I don't want to see it happen again.
2. ABSOLUTELY NO TECHNOLOGY that would be out of place in the real late 15th Century. This also means no magic, etc. since that was also what killed O1 World. Please also don't ignore the various realities of the time.
I thought O1 World looked quite entertaining in spite of the Godmodding and magic which was brought up, looking over it I liked the way everyone incorporated that nonsense into the overall storyline. By the way what do you mean the 'various realities of the time'? Do you mean 'everyone has to be some historical country or other'?
You know, on this note, does anyone else remember that Gods and Monsters game? I thought that had the potential to be a lot of fun. Does anyone have time for that in the next few weeks?
"Little monuments may be completed by their first architects, but great ones; true ones leave their copestones to posterity. God keep me from completing anything."
A 15th century game means it's all pikes and bows and crude cannons and arquebuses; it'll take forever to get anywhere, the world is a shithole, and the most interesting thing around is the utterly cutthroat politics which I really doubt we would collectively be able to do justice. It would be boring.
speaker-to-trolls wrote:You know, on this note, does anyone else remember that Gods and Monsters game? I thought that had the potential to be a lot of fun. Does anyone have time for that in the next few weeks?
This on the other hand might be fun.
"Nick Fury. Old-school cold warrior. The original black ops hardcase. Long before I stepped off a C-130 at Da Nang, Fury and his team had set fire to half of Asia."- Frank Castle
For, now De Ruyter's topsails
Off naked Chatham show,
We dare not meet him with our fleet -
And this the Dutchmen know!
The only thing that killed O1 World was Kamin. The rest of the players were able to play with one another just fine. That's why no one wants to take up any RP made by Kamin when the last time we did it, half the OOC thread was just filled with everyone shouting him down.
Heretic was the best, though. The guy had style.
"Sometimes Shroomy I wonder if your imagination actually counts as some sort of war crime." - FROD
speaker-to-trolls wrote:You know, on this note, does anyone else remember that Gods and Monsters game? I thought that had the potential to be a lot of fun. Does anyone have time for that in the next few weeks?
This on the other hand might be fun.
Agreed.
You have ruled this galaxy for ten thousand years.
You have little of account to show for your efforts.
Order. Unity. Obedience.
We taught the galaxy these things.
Hitler looked at the ritual circle intriguingly. It was metal, a circle of metal set into the dark earth, about ten metres wide. It was bounded by twelve generator-coils, which even in their dormant state projected thin tendrils of green lightning, and by a ring of runes, eldritch sigils which glowed faintly green in the dark of this summer midnight, the night of Midsummer. In the centre was a weeping, crying, screaming young female, naked, although it was hard to distinguish her features in the dark. Even if she had not been restrained at the centre, it would have been impossible for her to leave the circle's confines, for the sigils defined the outside and inside of the circle - one could enter, but one could not leave.
Her virginal blood would flow into the inter-connected sigils on the inside of the circle, activating them and opening the way for the next phase of the ritual. Her life was of no concern to anyone, she was an untermensch.
Himmler and eleven others, near the twelve generators, were reading aloud, chanting abominable words not meant for humans to utter, an old ritual gleaned from a book - Unaussprechliche Kulte, that ancient grimoire.
The chanting crescendoed, the sigils glowing brightly with each word, their colour venom-green, the old and dark magic within them being flared off as the men spoke. Then, as the chanting climaxed, they glowed, and did not stop. The untermensch girl was no older than eighteen, by the looks of her, and was now absolutely terrified. She remained silent, terrified, trying to remain modest in her nakedness, but the restraints prevented her.
That was the cue for an SS thug to enter the circle, knife in hand. The circle glared brightly as he entered, then faded to its normal glow. The man walked to the centre and calmly cut her throat. The blood poured out of her, driven by the beating of her heart, she couldn't even scream. As the blood touched the sigils, they glowed brighter than ever, blasts of green lightning passing between the generators.
Then, they came through. The souls of all that had died by the hands of the Reich's armies, all those that had died in its camps, were sent funneling in a line of silver towards the circle. As they touched it, they were broken down into the base stuff of souls, which floated around in the circle, touched by it. Trapped within it. A bright green light flared within the circle, pure dark magic. The SS man tried to get out, but couldn't, trapped within.
He was ultimately disposable. More soulstuff floated within the circle, loose tendrils of silvery light which were being sucked into the sigils, making them glow brighter. The air shimmered in a dome, and a feeling of sudden heat was felt. The sigils were flaring green, now quicker and quicker, shining with so much light.
As more souls were broken down and fed to the circle, it could no longer hold it. It had to lose energy or explode. An explosion would destroy everything within a hundred miles, making the area uninhabitable by any life for centuries.
So it flared. The SS man screamed as green lightning covered him, reducing him to a skeleton burning with green fire, and then in a matter of seconds a pile of charred bones. A pillar of green light shot straight into the sky, spreading across it, bathing all of Central Europe in an unholy aurora.
The green light now shone brightly, as bright as the sun. People throughout Europe simply stopped whatever they were doing and looked to the sky in mute, religous terror. The edge of the energy field was visible in Britain and Poland and Southern Italy. Then the storm came, a black cloud with green lightning and terrifying thunder through which the green light in the sky dimly shone. It rained something, something dark, Hitler caught it with his tongue, tasting blood.
It was raining blood.
Then, the storm faded, the green light persisting as the circle vented its energy. A tendril of more light came, to the direction of Warsaw, splitting off from the main energy-blast. Then another tendril split off from the main branch, this time in the direction of France.
Where they touched, reality broke down, the gates of Hell were opened. Then, the energy from the circle withdrew. The blinding green light slowly faded from the sigils, revealing the charred skeletons of a man and a woman, one that had been reclining and restrained, one that had been standing.
The Nazis quickly left the area of the circle. It was unhallowed, tainted by an evil that even they could not hope to compete with, and an evil that they sensed physically. Little did they know what would happen next.
21st June, 1944
They came. Thousands upon thousands, ephemeral fragments of consciousness, invisible to the naked eye. They were many, and yet They were small, insignificant. Their origin was a grey world, long eclipsed by entropy and cast into Long Night. But on thousands of worlds They had taken refuge, grown, thrived. The way which through They came was a tiny dot of blackness, barely visible to the naked eye. But as They came through in their thousands, the gap widened, a few centimetres, nothing important. It was still almost invisible in the bright summer sun.
They moved, a flood, a torrent, building up, bonds forming, a collective being made. For when They were alone they had not even a concept of Themselves as distinct, but when they formed a collective They were as intelligent as any sentient being, becoming capable of directed action and rational thought.
They were still invisible to the eye, but Their psychic presence was strong, a flood of whispers and half-spoken words, shadow voices in the sun. They were not particularly dangerous in of themselves -even at Their most powerful, They were little more than minnows, psychic scavengers feeding on soul-fragments as vultures feast on corpses. It was what They heralded that was much more dangerous.
Unknown Time
The members of the Shadow Court spoke amongst each other. They were the grand Princes and Archdukes and Lords of Hell, the leaders. As a body they were second only to the Morningstar, the Tyrant of Hell, Supreme Autocrat of the City of Dis, Lord of the Pit. They had strange powers, powers beyond any normal demon, and the forms they wore varied greatly. One Deumos, Queen of the Succubi, appeared as a young, ravishingly beautiful female, wearing just enough clothing to excite and tease, appearing to those who beheld her as the woman of their deepest dreams and desires. Then there was Tchernobog, the Lord of Unutterable Night, who chose to wear the shape of an intangible darkness, a mass of humanoid darkness with horns and glowing Hell-green eyes.
Other shapes were more varied - Nergal of the Plaguepits took the form of a gigantic humanoid fly laden with filth and pus, while Moloch the Furnace-Master was covered in dark armour, an eight-foot tall humanoid figure wielding a sword that glowed with darkness. Hastur of Carcosa bore the shape of a figure in yellow robes, wearing a horrific pallid mask (or was it his face?).
The shapes the others wore were too multitudinous to describe - suffice to say that they were many, some horrific, others strangely beautiful.
But they had a master, and it was he who spoke first.
'I have spoken with the Morningstar,' Asmodeus, President (a rank just below that of the Morningstar's) of Hell spoke. 'And he has found a new world for us to conquer. A tiny gate has opened, allowing us acess to it. The gate is being widened even now.
'Excellent,' the conclave chorused.
'We are marshalling the Legions and the Auxilia even now,' Asmodeus said. 'Are you willing to send troops for the invasion?'
'Yes,' they replied, knowing that 'no' would mean a terrible fate maybe even worse than death.
'So be it,' Asmodeus said.
The die was cast.
You have ruled this galaxy for ten thousand years.
You have little of account to show for your efforts.
Order. Unity. Obedience.
We taught the galaxy these things.
Well I will start off by saying this actually looks like the best writing I can remember seeing from you in terms of prose, so that’s a positive note to start from. Why is that? Well mainly because you have spent more text and effort in giving an impression of the setting. Comparing the description you have here of the ritual setup you have put together a much more extensive and generally better description than I’ve seen in almost any other story you have written. You’ve actually taken a little time to build up what is happening with the power coalescing around the ritual and a little of the trepidation the Nazis are feeling in watching this happening. Likewise I like the fact that you’ve got the second segment to presage the impending coming of the True Gribblies. The description is also a bit more justified, describing the weirdness of the situation instead of just stating it.
So overall this is an improvement.
However, I have some stylistic tips. First of all; You are still repeating yourself, which I find a bit distracting and annoying. For instance in the second segment you mention that the soul-minnow-vulture-things are invisible ‘to the eye’ or ‘to the naked eye’ three times in three short paragraph, likewise
and was now absolutely terrified. She remained silent, terrified
There are other ways you could say that, ‘seized by terror,’ for instance.
Second, there are points at which the prose still kind of hits a wall by describing things too simply, like
Little did they know what would happen next.
This sounds a bit flat when it should be ominous, it’s just stating the obvious, something like ‘Even so, they knew almost nothing of what they had done in bringing that evil into the world,’ might work better.
And one nitpick:
Hitler looked at the ritual circle intriguingly
should be ‘Hitler looked at the ritual circle, intrigued,’
I think the last segment can be done without, the opening description is ok but in general it’s one of these Salvation-War type meeting scenes with demons instead of military men in suits speaking in extremely clipped and truncated dialogue. The first two segments set up the horrible, otherworldly nature of the impending demonic incursion and this dampens that a little by making them kind of generic. Maybe you could reference the demons in more elusive, ambiguous terms, I don’t know.
"Little monuments may be completed by their first architects, but great ones; true ones leave their copestones to posterity. God keep me from completing anything."
Next update, featuring Succubi, demon armies, angels and FDR!
Plain of Devastation, Hell
Eleaxos, Centurion of the 6th Hechaton (Hundred) of the 6th Legion (Hell had, when all its forces had been risen, 6,666 Legions each comprised of 6,666 demons) looked on at his troops. They were individually 6 feet five, wearing thick armour, covered in plate. They bore long swords, hooked at the end so as to cause more injury, and thick, heavy tower shields that humans would find it difficult to lift. Their helmets let their ram-like, curled horns free, although Eleaxos' horns were covered in steel as a sign of his rank.
Their swords were forged of black metal, made in Moloch's factory-furnaces, and layered with enchantments and dark curses by Carcosa's sorcerers. Wounds caused by them would be hard to heal. They were in good order, and as he inspected them, they did not fail to impress. He bade them march, they did so, toward the mustering site on the road made of iron.
Temple of A Thousand Lusts, Hell
Zryanitova, Succubus of the Seventh Order, couldn't wait for her mission to begin. It was simple - to seduce and assassinate an enemy leader, one whose death was vitally important to the invasion plan. She wore very little, and what little clothing she wore flaunted the pleasures of her exquisite body - her pale, delightful skin, her long black hair - more than concealed it. Nevertheless, she had prepared a cantrip that would make her minimal clothes seem like they were clothes that belonged to the local fashion. It would be easy for her to cast, very easy indeed. She, like all Succubi, could alter the form and size of her body to conceal anything that marked her out as not a member of the local race - her ram-like horns for one - and pretend to be the figure she was seducing's beloved.
She liked seduction, and she liked killing as well. It was a beautiful combination to kill someone while they were in the throes of passion together. If she could make his last moments delightful, then all the better.
She couldn't wait to kill this leader, this 'Roosevelt'.
The Martial Plain, Hell
The group of Shadowlings moved as one. They were Tchernobog's children, his servants, his warriors, sculpted out of pure dark magic, made of living, flowing, tangible darkness, their eyes glowing with an evil venom-green light. He was sending his Legions to war, and they would fight too, with the Orcs of the Wildlands and Dagon's Deep Ones and the Demons and the Malefic Engines of Moloch. They moved, and stood, eight feet tall, but hunched in a disturbing manner, thin and yet utterly dark.
They were ready for the widening of the portal.
22 June, 1944
Siegfried Adlerssohn stood in the outskirts of Warsaw, looking worried. Ever since the horrific aurora some days ago, he had been getting unusual head pains, pains no medicine could staunch. He told himself that it was nothing, that it meant nothing at all, but a strange feeling told him that it was not so. Then an eruption of pain rose in his head, forcing him to bow it, dropping him to his knees. He looked around, it was dark now, when it should be dawn, like something was blocking the sun. The other soldiers seemed to be trapped in something like a mixture of rapt awe and absolute terror, looking at the source of the darkness.
Siegfried stood up and turned around, he saw it now, a vast black...thing some distance from the city, blocking out the rising sun. He was repulsed by it, it looked for all purposes like the mouth of Hell itself. Knowing his luck, Siegfried guessed that that was probably what it was. He was correct.
By now everybody in the city was now looking at the thing, it was two miles wide and a mile high. Siegfried was filled with a terror he could not have imagined, the...Hellmouth was less than five miles away by the looks of it, blocking one of the main roads.
The Martial Plain, Hell
The portal had been widened, it was large enough for several Legions. Lord Kairos, one of Hell's lesser lords, beholden to Tchernobog and the commander of this Legion, sat on his black steed, a horse with eyes that glowed like endless caverns of fire and had snarling fangs which were covered in steel. It whinnied an unearthly cry, rearing before he put it back under control. Even its breeding and training could not prepare it for the sight of an open portal.
Lord Kairos led the cavalry under his command into the portal, followed by a group of Malefic Engines and the main force of his Legion. Once that had been done, he saw the clear blue sky, not like Hell's eternal night lit dimly by a dim red star. He also tasted the air, it was not like Hell's atmosphere, still dusty from the fire that had struck from the heavens before Demonkind had been born.
He looked, Furies filled the sky, he didn't yet have any Dragons in this army, but they would arrive soon enough. He wondered, if these humans put up enough of a fight, would the Great Dragon be deployed? He recalled seeing it fuming in its cavern, a horrific creature with many heads and wings so great they could have blotted out the sky. It was said that the Great Dragon was invincible.
He laughed, putting such thoughts aside. From the looks of it, there was a city nearby to be laid waste to.
Washington D.C
Zryanitova walked the streets with all the inhuman grace and seductive beauty of a Succubus. If her indications were true, she was getting close to this 'Roosevelt'. When she was close enough to his dwelling, 'the White House' and out of sight, she would assume the form of his beloved, a woman named Eleanor. Once that was done, she would go in and convince him to make love to her, helped by the aromatic musk she exuded. Once he was in the throes of passion, she would assume her true form and kill him. It was a plan she thought flawlesss.
But no plan survives contact with the enemy...
Unknown Place
Tabris, Ophan of the First Chorus, Servant of Michael, inspected the shallow, mirror-like pool of water showing the Demonic army. The Demons had reached the world he was assigned to watch. Their armies were mustering in Hell, ready for a massive assault. Yet it seemed that this world had technology that might be able to hold them off, if not send them back. But its inhabitants might not be able to win a war fought in Hell without the assistance of his kind.
There was a problem - the silent war between his world and Hell was multipolar. There were not two great powers, but three, competing with each other. If a war broke out, the third would doubtlessly join in. And an Angelic intervention in that world would doubtlessly cause a war. But still there was a chance that with Angelic asssistance, this world could defeat the other two powers.
He didn't know what to do - any recommendation on a course of action would irritate Michael, who was doubtlessly consulting the matter with the other members of the Seraphic Council. However, Tabris was a trusted friend of Michael's, he had been one of the deciding factors in the coup that had eliminated the old regime, and as a result he had been given this estate on the plains of Elysium, prime horse country far from the spires of the Eternal City. Tabris was also popular among the Ophanim, a member of the Eternal Guard and a general in the Immaculate Legion.
If anybody could sway Michael's opinion on a matter, it would be Tabris.
23 June 1944
Moscow
Stalin looked at the body on the autopsy slab. Naked, she (or perhaps it) was both obviously female and clearly not human. The doctors waited while he ran his hand on the pale, soft skin of her side, and then turned to look at the ram-like horns on her head. Yes, clearly inhuman. She had also, so they said, turned up and demanded to enter the Kremlin without knowing the password. At all.
So, therefore she had been shot three times in the chest by one of the guards. That had seemed to kill her. Stalin did not believe it was the Germans. He knew that it was something worse.
The doctors asked for permission to begin the autopsy. Stalin allowed them, and they began cutting into her. The basic architecture was human, but slightly altered - stronger, thicker bones, fingernails that were so sharp they were almost claws, heavier muscles, the long tail, the horns of course. There were also several organs that did not belong to humans, so the the doctors simply didn't know what they did, in particular a small gland near the base of the neck . One of the doctors withdrew a sample of the green fluid within, for further testing. Stalin simply watched, emotionlessly.
It was a necessity.
The White House
Franklin Roosevelt looked at Eleanor, although she was still fully clothed, she was sitting seductively on the bed. Roosevelt intended to keep her waiting, there was something wrong with her - maybe it was her overly seductive voice, or the way she moved, or the pure lust that wafted from her, filling his head with desire. But whatever it was, something was clear - although she looked like her, she was most definitely not Eleanor Roosevelt.
He knew, he couldn't initiate anything until he had her identity firmly established. So he stared her down, and she retained her poker face, not hinting anything in a way that nevertheless hinted something.
The Succubus was waiting, when would the fun begin? To use this human as his toy, filling them both with delight in the process, before breaking him, was something she enjoyed above all things.
With several minutes having passed without him having even begun, she felt cheated. And her masters would be angered if she failed in this mission. So time to switch to plan B. She rose up and altered her form back to her true shape, shedding the cantrip that gave her the illusion of clothes.
Roosevelt reached for the gun in his pocket, that he had taken just in case she was an impostor, and fired as she pounced, sending her flying onto the bed. He then fired twice into her chest, and kept firing until he was convinced that her movements were because of his gunshots rather than any semblance of life she possessed.
When he was done, she was thoroughly perforated with wounds from which her red blood flowed. Roosevelt could see now that she was still that she was most definitely not Eleanor, or even human. The Secret Service agent attracted by the sounds of shots looked in the room in utter confusion, before Roosevelt spoke.
'Get that body off the bed,' Roosevelt said. 'That is an order. Also make sure nobody but the doctors involved in the autopsy knows about this.'
Warsaw
Lord Kairos smiled, the Demonic forces were defeating the humans with sheer weight of numbers, but it was still a struggle. The humans had technology to match the Malefic Engines, and seemed to have more than he had. In the air, the Furies had control of the skies but only due to sheer numbers, the humans had some kind of metal aircraft that could kill many Furies before being destroyed. If only there was some way to make even his losses.
Then, a figure walked into the tent. His armour was decorated with bone motifs, and he bore a staff that glowed with the green light of dark magic. If he was who Kairos thought he was...
'Who are you?' Kairos asked.
'Lord Tzaranios, High Necromancer in service to Tchernobog, Archduke of Hell and Lord of Unutterable Night,' the figure replied.
Tzaranios! One of the most gifted and powerful necromancers in all of Hell. The rumours said that he had raised entire battlefields in the Blood River War, handing victory to Tchernobog's forces - he had never seen the necromancer in action, but it sounded plausible.
'Very well,' Kairos said.
'Of what service may I be to you?' Tzaranios asked.
You have ruled this galaxy for ten thousand years.
You have little of account to show for your efforts.
Order. Unity. Obedience.
We taught the galaxy these things.
So, is this something like Armageddon(with, apparently, the ???), but in WW2, complete with a succubus going after the President? Because I don't want to spoil things for you, Kamin, but Armageddon is terrible.
The description of the Nazi ritual was passable, and credit to you Kamin for actually writing descriptions of the ritual. I was actually thinking of commenting a while ago, but was unsure of what to say, but like Speaker I did notice that this was probably the first time I've read a readable and decently long semi-detailed description of things written by you.
So kudos to you for that.
But then the story segued into typical Armageddon/Salvation War-style whatevers with Satan Merkatrignamamaras in Hell. Which, as Moby said, isn't exactly the most compelling whatever. And, which if I remember right, you've already done several times in the past back when you were in the HELL DEMONS ARMAGEDDON WAR! phase that came before your love affair with Germanianoids.
The second installment shows none of the descriptionness of the first part and basically goes back to your old non-descriptive prose style with very short segments.
"Sometimes Shroomy I wonder if your imagination actually counts as some sort of war crime." - FROD
^Quite, I know you won't, but I'd actually recommend you go back over this chapter and edit it to give it fewer but longer segments and make them all from the humans' points of view. The reason for the second part is this: In the first chapter you had the Hellmouth(s) opened by the Nazis channeling the Holocaust to bring out
an evil with which even they could not compete
So you have established them as worse than the thing widely regarded as the Most Evil Plan Ever Effected Ever.To be honest I'm not sure how you could convincingly portray the mind of such creatures, but just saying that 'she loved killing' is not it, they don't read as any different from any of your other bad guys... or a few of your good guys, come to that.
So I'd suggest redoing this chapter to that effect, have the demons seen from the point of view of their victims, who will be able to properly convey how bad they are. If not, then I'd just suggest cutting out the demonic characters in future chapters, at least for a while.
"Little monuments may be completed by their first architects, but great ones; true ones leave their copestones to posterity. God keep me from completing anything."
So, I have some ideas for a story, but I'm unsure of which to go for. If I do end up picking a story, I promise to commit to it.
Here are my ideas (very, very vague):
First Star to the Right and Straight on 'Til Morning
FTL travel gets discovered in 1973. The story follows the first pioneers using this form of travel, as well as its effects on Earthly politics.
The Power of the People
A surviving, technologically-advanced Soviet Union is teleported to our timeline from an alternate world. The story follows the chaos caused by this event, and what happens after.
Nature Red in Tooth and Claw
The US military brings back an extinct species of hominid that predated on humans as a supersoldier to replace humans in war. 5 years later, they go rogue in large numbers, and an international taskforce is sent to eliminate them.
Partisan
Follows a guerilla resistance movement in a USA occupied by a pseudo-Fascist united Europe. Takes place in an alternate present day.
And two ideas I don't think you'll like, but which I simply can't get out of my head:
The Affairs of Nations
A story about a group of normal people who enter a shadow of the mundane world where the personifications of nations exist - as well as a rising darkness that threatens to destroy human civilisation. Urban fantasy.
The Demons of the Night
65 years ago, an SS officer and his coterie flee deep into an Austrian cave, carrying a powerful artefact. In 2011, a person is sent to get a contract with a company working in the area. Ubeknownst even to himself, he may be the only person who can stand between a reborn Third Reich and humanity. Horror/fantasy.
You have ruled this galaxy for ten thousand years.
You have little of account to show for your efforts.
Order. Unity. Obedience.
We taught the galaxy these things.
First Star to the Right and Straight on 'Til Morning
FTL travel gets discovered in 1973. The story follows the first pioneers using this form of travel, as well as its effects on Earthly politics.
Depends how you play it since this is the broadest ranging idea what with all the possible angles on the spaceship's crew (interpersonal issues, suspicion's of sabotage, global politics' effects on the mission) mission (technical problems and picking the weevils out of biscuits, dangers and wonders of natural phenomena, new life and new civilisations) and Earth politics (new space race, possibly attempts to sabotage other nations' projects, investment in new space technology vs investment on Earth, possibility of new, alien rivals or allies). I'd say if you do this then it would probably be best to focus on the crew of the spaceship, or if not then just focus on the Earth politics, because I think it would be distracting to try to focus on both at once.
The Power of the People
A surviving, technologically-advanced Soviet Union is teleported to our timeline from an alternate world. The story follows the chaos caused by this event, and what happens after.
Meh. You've done this one before with the Japanese Empire, if I recall correctly, I think it will probably be hard to do well since the political ramifications would be so complicated. I'd suggest against it.
Nature Red in Tooth and Claw
The US military brings back an extinct species of hominid that predated on humans as a supersoldier to replace humans in war. 5 years later, they go rogue in large numbers, and an international taskforce is sent to eliminate them.
Well it could be a decent action adventure story, maybe, depending on how you do it. The style I imagine you would write for this story isn't generally the kind of thing I enjoy, but that's not to say there's nothing in it, and it would force you to focus on a small group of characters.
Partisan
Follows a guerilla resistance movement in a USA occupied by a pseudo-Fascist united Europe. Takes place in an alternate present day.
Like the last one, probably not something I'd particularly enjoy, but if you could make something good out of it focussing on a small group of partisans and maybe some select bad guys. Maybe. I have to admit the mental imagery this immediately conjures makes me cringe.
The Affairs of Nations
A story about a group of normal people who enter a shadow of the mundane world where the personifications of nations exist - as well as a rising darkness that threatens to destroy human civilisation. Urban fantasy.
This could be quite funny.
The Demons of the Night
65 years ago, an SS officer and his coterie flee deep into an Austrian cave, carrying a powerful artefact. In 2011, a person is sent to get a contract with a company working in the area. Ubeknownst even to himself, he may be the only person who can stand between a reborn Third Reich and humanity. Horror/fantasy.
Meh. Maybe if you want to practice writing horror.
"Little monuments may be completed by their first architects, but great ones; true ones leave their copestones to posterity. God keep me from completing anything."
First Star to the Right and Straight on 'Til Morning
FTL travel gets discovered in 1973. The story follows the first pioneers using this form of travel, as well as its effects on Earthly politics.
Depends how you play it since this is the broadest ranging idea what with all the possible angles on the spaceship's crew (interpersonal issues, suspicion's of sabotage, global politics' effects on the mission) mission (technical problems and picking the weevils out of biscuits, dangers and wonders of natural phenomena, new life and new civilisations) and Earth politics (new space race, possibly attempts to sabotage other nations' projects, investment in new space technology vs investment on Earth, possibility of new, alien rivals or allies). I'd say if you do this then it would probably be best to focus on the crew of the spaceship, or if not then just focus on the Earth politics, because I think it would be distracting to try to focus on both at once.
I dunno - I'd probably focus heavily on the politics.
The Power of the People
A surviving, technologically-advanced Soviet Union is teleported to our timeline from an alternate world. The story follows the chaos caused by this event, and what happens after.
Meh. You've done this one before with the Japanese Empire, if I recall correctly, I think it will probably be hard to do well since the political ramifications would be so complicated. I'd suggest against it.
I dunno, I'm used to writing such stories.
Nature Red in Tooth and Claw
The US military brings back an extinct species of hominid that predated on humans as a supersoldier to replace humans in war. 5 years later, they go rogue in large numbers, and an international taskforce is sent to eliminate them.
Well it could be a decent action adventure story, maybe, depending on how you do it. The style I imagine you would write for this story isn't generally the kind of thing I enjoy, but that's not to say there's nothing in it, and it would force you to focus on a small group of characters.
My idea is that the predatorial hominids are in large numbers, in some African nation. So most of it is army-against-army, urban warfare and such.
Partisan
Follows a guerilla resistance movement in a USA occupied by a pseudo-Fascist united Europe. Takes place in an alternate present day.
Like the last one, probably not something I'd particularly enjoy, but if you could make something good out of it focussing on a small group of partisans and maybe some select bad guys. Maybe. I have to admit the mental imagery this immediately conjures makes me cringe.
Maybe it can be like Tomorrow, when the War began - the story does not focus so much on the invasion as on the people caught up in it?
The Affairs of Nations
A story about a group of normal people who enter a shadow of the mundane world where the personifications of nations exist - as well as a rising darkness that threatens to destroy human civilisation. Urban fantasy.
This could be quite funny.
I'm not going for humour with this one. I'm going for action, fantasy, and drama.
The Demons of the Night
65 years ago, an SS officer and his coterie flee deep into an Austrian cave, carrying a powerful artefact. In 2011, a person is sent to get a contract with a company working in the area. Ubeknownst even to himself, he may be the only person who can stand between a reborn Third Reich and humanity. Horror/fantasy.
Meh. Maybe if you want to practice writing horror.
What exactly is wrong with it? Is it too similar or something?
You have ruled this galaxy for ten thousand years.
You have little of account to show for your efforts.
Order. Unity. Obedience.
We taught the galaxy these things.
My idea is that the predatorial hominids are in large numbers, in some African nation. So most of it is army-against-army, urban warfare and such.
This concept has the problem that it requires the Pentagon people to say 'hrrm, so if I understand this right, the plan is basically to create a race of slaves with much greater abilities than human beings as well as greater food requirements, then give them advanced weapons and the best military training money can buy. Well, I can't foresee any problems with that,' Though that doesn't necessarily mean people wouldn't do it.
On that note I'll plug one of my favourite sci-fi action books, which has a surprisingly similar concept. I'd suggest taking a look at it even if the focus would be different from your story because it actually gives a good bit of satirical comment on the whole idea of 'super soldiers'.
Of course Richard Morgan hates nationalism and imperialism in all their forms, hates them hates them hates them forever, so maybe you wouldn't like him so much
I'm not going for humour with this one. I'm going for action, fantasy, and drama.
Ahh... Good luck with that. Look the thing about these national personification things is that you are trying to distill a really abstract concept down into the form of a person, and I have no idea how you would create the character of the nations in any way that could be taken seriously. I did once read a comic called Uncle Sam which kind of managed it with the title character, but that was essentially a short diatribe about what the author disliked about the state of America.
To be honest going for at least some humour would be a good thing.
What exactly is wrong with it? Is it too similar or something?
Yes, oddly, although I can't say to what, other than the other Nazi Occult stories you've written. Nazi Occultism just doesn't seem like a great story hook to me, not sure why, maybe because it's too easy or something.
"Little monuments may be completed by their first architects, but great ones; true ones leave their copestones to posterity. God keep me from completing anything."
The thing with Nazi Occultism is primarily that it's been done to death; it was fun back when the first Indiana Jones movies were made but a couple of decades and dozens of computer games have passed since then. Now it's just boring and predictable. It's always some special paranormal branch of the SS, they found some relic of a generic Ancient Civilization, and they're researching it in order to develop a Doomsday Weapon. Now it's up to the square-jawed Hero Spy to single-handedly stop a few divisions worth of Schutzstaffel, kill the suspiciously evil-looking main dude (who will no doubt be wearing a monocle and has a name with 'Von' in it) and stop the ritual from being completed/machine from powering up fully, thereby saving the day. There may be a girl involved; bonus points for predictability if she was about to be sacrificed in order to complete the ritual/machine.
My point being, I could write the script on this thing with my eyes closed and the creative parts of my brain shut off. In the end the villains always end up looking like idiots for being thwarted by a single guy, or for Tampering With Forces They Could Not Control. It's so predictable. I'd dearly, dearly love for someone to write a story where the Nazis succeed in, say, raising the dead only for the Undead Horde to be crushed by a tidal wave of Soviet steel, or strafed into oblivion by Mustang fighters or something, or hell, for the Nazi's to actually succeed and end the fucking world and now it's up to a horrified Von Stauffenberg or some made-up Kreisau Circle figure to overthrow the Führer and bring an end to the onslaught -- but how do you assassinate a living god / someone with such power at his disposal? Hell, anything would probably be more interesting than the usual 'SS build elaborate paranormal doohickey, get foiled in nick of time' fare.
"Nick Fury. Old-school cold warrior. The original black ops hardcase. Long before I stepped off a C-130 at Da Nang, Fury and his team had set fire to half of Asia."- Frank Castle
For, now De Ruyter's topsails
Off naked Chatham show,
We dare not meet him with our fleet -
And this the Dutchmen know!
My idea is that the predatorial hominids are in large numbers, in some African nation. So most of it is army-against-army, urban warfare and such.
This concept has the problem that it requires the Pentagon people to say 'hrrm, so if I understand this right, the plan is basically to create a race of slaves with much greater abilities than human beings as well as greater food requirements, then give them advanced weapons and the best military training money can buy. Well, I can't foresee any problems with that,' Though that doesn't necessarily mean people wouldn't do it.
On that note I'll plug one of my favourite sci-fi action books, which has a surprisingly similar concept. I'd suggest taking a look at it even if the focus would be different from your story because it actually gives a good bit of satirical comment on the whole idea of 'super soldiers'.
Of course Richard Morgan hates nationalism and imperialism in all their forms, hates them hates them hates them forever, so maybe you wouldn't like him so much
Having read the review, what I find objectionable about that book is the ridiculous misandry and the automatic assumption that 'feminity good, masculinity EVUL'. That and the whole Jesusland thing, which is completely ridiculous.
I'm not going for humour with this one. I'm going for action, fantasy, and drama.
Ahh... Good luck with that. Look the thing about these national personification things is that you are trying to distill a really abstract concept down into the form of a person, and I have no idea how you would create the character of the nations in any way that could be taken seriously. I did once read a comic called Uncle Sam which kind of managed it with the title character, but that was essentially a short diatribe about what the author disliked about the state of America.
Thankfully, I have some good ideas about the characters, both personifications and humans.
You have ruled this galaxy for ten thousand years.
You have little of account to show for your efforts.
Order. Unity. Obedience.
We taught the galaxy these things.
Siege wrote:The thing about Nazi Occultism is that it's been done to death
Seconded
Kamin wrote:ridiculous misandry and the automatic assumption that 'feminity good, masculinity EVUL'. That and the whole Jesusland thing, which is completely ridiculous.
As that review says, the Jesusland thing is to do with exploring the 'culture war' in the US, and frankly I think it's a little weird to target that as ridiculous when you'll happily peddle stories with the USSR, the Second Reich or the Byzantine Empire implausibly surviving to the present day. Second saying that there is an 'automatic assumption' and 'ridiculous misandry' is pretty presumptive when talking about a very detailed, 400 page book and basing that on one or two quotes (I assume, since the review has one or two quotes which talk about gender). If you don't agree with the ideas or don't like them or whatever then fine, but I take exception to you accusing the author of laziness when I think it's clear he has put a lot of thought into these ideas.
Kamin wrote:Thankfully, I have some good ideas about the characters, both personifications and humans.
Such as? Give me a character synopsis of one of your nation characters and explain how they represent that nation.
"Little monuments may be completed by their first architects, but great ones; true ones leave their copestones to posterity. God keep me from completing anything."
speaker-to-trolls wrote:On that note I'll plug one of my favourite sci-fi action books, which has a surprisingly similar concept. I'd suggest taking a look at it even if the focus would be different from your story because it actually gives a good bit of satirical comment on the whole idea of 'super soldiers'.
That book sounds like the kind of sci fi that's right up my alley (although going by the review some of the politics sounds like it might be kind of heavy-handed for my taste), I might check it out sometime. Thanks for bringing it to my attention.
A question - which alternate/future history would you like me to make, out of those below? All are going to include implausible or blatantly impossible events. There's no pro-German bias also, because only one (maybe two) of the contenders have/has anything to do with Germany, and both are going to feature the Germans/Austrians fighting for survival.
On the Beautiful Blue Danube
1910 Vienna is teleported to a fantasy world with magic and a technology level in the Renaissance. Can it survive, and more than that, prosper?
The Worst Possible Moment
An Austro-German (owning all the 1815 territory of Austria, and all the German Empire's territory) Empire with mid-1940's technology (not including the Bomb, although they are close) is teleported to our timeline at the worst possible moment - January 1st 1945. Can they survive?
Beneath Its Shade We'll Live and Die
At the exact moment that Obama is inaugurated, a Washington D.C (from a Communist US owning Canada as well) is teleported to our timeline.
The Great Flood
A comet hits Antarctica in 1403, resulting in the icecap melting - resulting in Global Warming floods happening in the 1400's!
A History of the Terran Republic and Empire
Space-based TL, covering the rise of the Terran Republic, its conversion into the Terran Empire, and the dominance, decline and eventual fall of the Empire. May cover some of what happened after.
You have ruled this galaxy for ten thousand years.
You have little of account to show for your efforts.
Order. Unity. Obedience.
We taught the galaxy these things.
Somes J wrote:That book sounds like the kind of sci fi that's right up my alley (although going by the review some of the politics sounds like it might be kind of heavy-handed for my taste), I might check it out sometime. Thanks for bringing it to my attention.
Yeah, he is a bit heavy handed, in the manner of a well delivered punch to the solarplexus. The politics in Black Man are a lot more complicated than his earlier books, though (the Kovacs Trilogy and Market Forces, which I think I've reviewed somewhere) which I think can be summarised as 'Fucking Neoliberal oligarch scumbags! GRAR! ANGERS!' Which is not to say Altered Carbon and Market Forces aren't very good books, and I don't even really know enough about Neoliberal oligarch scumbags to say whether he has a point
Kamin wrote:On the Beautiful Blue Danube The Worst Possible Moment Beneath Its Shade We'll Live and Die
I'll agree with Siege, I just find this sort of thing contrived and too nonsensical in most cases.
Kamin wrote:The Great Flood
This could work pretty well.
Kamin wrote:A History of the Terran Republic and Empire
Correct me if I'm wrong but aren't you already writing this? In this thread no less?
"Little monuments may be completed by their first architects, but great ones; true ones leave their copestones to posterity. God keep me from completing anything."
